How do we know if we may have boundary problems? Some signs that we have trouble setting boundaries are when our close relationships regularly have conflicts, we resent another’s requests, we don’t want others to know what is really going on (a ‘don’t talk about that subject’ family rule, for instance), or we have compulsive behaviors such as an eating disorder, drug abuse, anger management problems etc. Trouble setting boundaries can also lead to such problems as placating, dependency, poor self-image, fear of being honest, over-commitment, and idolatry (Gal 1:10). Difficulty respecting boundaries can reinforce self-centeredness, pride, isolation, fear of rejection, showing love only if it is earned, disrespect of others, intrusiveness, and manipulation.
What can we do, then, to develop better boundaries? Those whose boundaries are easily invaded might consider such things as spending as little time as possible around those who don’t respect their boundaries. They could also enforce consequences for boundary violations, improve their self-image by learning how God sees them, and practicing saying ‘no’ with safe people. Those who often violate boundaries may consider not blaming others, taking responsibility for mistakes, saying ‘sorry’ when appropriate, and remembering that we are not to criticize other people’s non-sinful opinions (Rom 14:1-4).
If we don’t say ‘no’ to others we are, in effect, saying ‘no’ to God and letting the other have the kind of control in our lives that properly belongs to the Lord. When we don’t respect the ‘no’ of another we are not acting in love and are trying to limit the other’s spiritual growth by attempting to be lord of their conscience (Rom 14:23). Either way, we displease the Lord and hurt both ourselves and others.
Instead of being timid, learn to be appropriately bold.